Becoming not Became

The future is just a step away.

In 2008 I experienced a total mental breakdown. It was devastating. It was as if someone tripped on the electrical cord connecting my brain to power and yanked it from the wall. Everything shut down. Unsaved. Blackout. No surge protector.

Long-term memory was lost. Short term memory resembled swiss cheese. My brain was breakdownlittered with divots like a county golf course frequented by 9-iron heavy amateurs. My vocabulary was blurry like a windshield streaked by aging wiper blades. My thoughts scattered like hooligans running from sirens.

My psychiatrist cautioned me: “The more you think, the more frequently you’ll reboot. Your brain is exhausted. It’s spending a great deal of energy defragmenting your life, trying to bring disparate pieces together for cohesion. Let it be. Stop trying so hard. Stop pushing it. You’ve been given a tremendous gift; a do-over; a mulligan.”

This post, Becoming not Became is my title post. A title post has a high degree of significance. It’s that post which marks a clean break from one way of being in life tocropped-img_00071-e1415122512750 another. And today, thanks wholly to close friends and their brutal honesty, I can confidently say that I have stepped into my own future.

My past is in my past. I don’t bring my past with me into my present. I used to, I used to carry the disappointments and frustrations of my “yesterdays” into my “today’s.” Not any longer. Ever since my spiritual transformation, it is virtually impossible for me to even remember yesterday. I don’t remember conversations, or arguments, or bedspeak. I don’t bring forward heartache. And, I suppose, I don’t allow joy or happiness or laughter to tag along either.

Each day that I awaken is a new day, unmoored from the dock of the past. It’s only anger or sadness that burdens me. Their expression is seen by tears. Remember, we only cry for the past, never for the future.

futureI decided today that I would get my shit together. I would return to Chicago, rent a great apartment, furnish it the way I want, get my knee replaced, get my affairs in order, and then, and only then, maybe I’ll fly to Buenos Aires for the winter (it’s summer then).

I’ve also decided to stop pursuing men in some desperate hope that they fill the voidno men created when Nick I split up. It’s simply not fair to either of us. My Parisian pointed that out to me today.

So, today is my becoming, not became day.

I can either mourn what I Became or celebrate what I’m Becoming!

Let the party begin!

Loving Men-Boomeranged

I’ve never thrown a boomerang.

I have, however, been boomeranged.

Boomerangs are like dirty pennies: They keep showing up.

Or mysterious stains on your favorite shirt that, even when laundered, keep popping up. stainNo, not when you pick them up at the cleaners. But when you pluck them from the closet as you’re running late to a date.

Artem is my boomerang. Artem was the international male model that I fell madly in love with two months ago. And like Carrie Bradshaw, both Mr. Big and Artem left us abandoned at the altar.carrie For Carrie, it was literally an altar. For me, it was a five-star hotel in a chic part of Paris.

Abandoned. Desserted. Left for dead. Missing in action. Prisoner of love war. Holding the bag. Eggs in one basket. Left me in the lurch. Leftovers. Left out in the cold.

Boomeranged.

That’s when someone you’ve let go, like a lover that abandoned you at the altar or a hotel room in Paris, reappears in your present life dredging up all the shit that has finally settled at the bottom.

Boomeranged.

I enlist a gay dating site, Daddy Hunt, to browse men interested in meeting. I met daddyLuciano, Jean-Baptiste, Jason, Peter, and David on the site. That’s also where I met Artem the first time, and precisely where I met Artem today, the second time.

Boomeranged.

There he was, on the same site that we met, with a different profile name, an unflattering photograph (for a model), and very, very cryptic personal information. I was mortified. I froze. I couldn’t decide whether I should ignore him, reply to him, or report him to the site as a scammer?

There’s something agonizing when you witness a former lover back on the prowl. And in Artem’s case, that’s precisely what he’s doing. Or rather, he’s pitching chum over the side of his boat in a sea of men, teasing the hungry to the surface to get lampooned.

boomerangOr worse, Boomeranged.

Loving Men-Running

I’m scared.

Scared of being alone. Scared of making decisions because I’m scared of wrong turns. Scared of my age and my disabilities. Scared of looking for an apartment. Scared of buying furniture. Scared of buying linens. Scared of buying dishes.

Scared of being alone.

I’ve been in a relationship for the better part of my lifetime. I always saw the world through two sets of eyes. I always made decisions based on two sets of ears. I always kissed on two sets of lips. Always laughed with two voices. Always smiled with two grins. Always held hands with ten fingers. Always loved with two hearts.

But today I find myself alone. Alone in a hotel room in Charlotte and wonder what I’m doing? I’ve tried to convince myself that I’m living my life. But am I?

Or am I running? Running away.

Running scared.

I don’t know where I’m going; and if I don’t know where I’m going, how will I ever know when I get there?

I have loved in my life, but what I lack, sorely, is that person waiting for me at theairport airport; that sleepy voice on the other end of the line taking my early call; that eager response to a text; that surprise visit; that one last, long last embrace before I wander through security.

If anyone has ever been on the same boulevard of running scared, please tell me that uncertainthere’s a true destination. I know I’m running from my past, from the unrelenting disappointments and failures, from my crushed relationship with Nick, from my lies and my fantasies, but I’m running into the fog of my unknown future.

I’m running scared, but alas, I’m still running.

And that is better than stopping, isn’t it?