Loving Men-Ghosts

In my sleep, I’m haunted by ghosts.

Sometimes it’s Luciano; he’s come home late after an evening with friends. I hear the IMG_0358door close and I can hear the clang of his belt as the weight of his pockets draws his jeans to the floor; I can feel his shirt being stripped from his torso like cellophane; then our bed tilts like a little rowboat as he lifts the comforter and slides in behind me. “Hijo,” I whisper, “did you have fun with your friends?”

“Si,” Luciano whispers between light kisses on my throat and shoulder, “Si, Papi, but I missed you,” he continues, his kissing becoming more determined.

“I’m asleep,” I whisper while rolling onto my back, feeling his weight rise, then fall atop me. In the darkness, I can feel his humidity, I can feel his breathy stare. “I’m not IMG_0345handsome now,” I whisper. “Jajaja, Papi,” he whispers into my ear, softly purring, “You’re always handsome.”

My hands drift to his strong flanks which remain bathed in cotton, my fingers delve into the fabric, beneath it, finding his strong buttocks. I pull him closer, wanting IMG_0367his entire weight atop me, pushing my breath from my lungs. He lifts himself up from me, then lowers himself into a comfortable position, moving his hips delicately.

We’ve ridden on this train before. It always takes us to some far-flung destination; across valleys and up across mountains; through treacherous, snow drifted passes; then down deep into pastoral valleys.

But this night, this ghostly night, no trip will be taken.

This night, like so many aching nights, my Luciano is only a mirage.

Loving Men-Validation

Every creature seeks approval from its own kind.

And gay men are no different.

Actually, gay men are probably worse. Gay men seek validation across a wide swath of “kinds”. Men, women, brothers, sisters, dogs, cats, etc.

There are so many different platforms on which gay men can seek validation.

I’m currently experimenting with Grindr, Scruff, and Daddy Hunt.

Many friends keep asking the same question: If you’ve already discovered Jean-Baptiste and Luciano, why do you keep trolling the internet?

The answer is easy: Validation.

Scouring the internet for men is akin to window shopping. I’m browsing. I’m sitting on a pier and lazily casting my bobber into the water to see if anything bites. And if bobbersomething does take the bait, I’m not going to yank the line and hope that I’ll hook the guy. I’m not interested in a catch. I’m really interested in the nibble, the interest, the wink, the nod, the text, the call, the voice, the hello; the validation that I exist somewhere else than in this hotel room. That I’m recognized.

That I’m not one man in a one-man boat, adrift in an endless sea.

Jean-Baptiste reminds me that I’ll never be lonely because I have him; Luciano reminds me that I’ll always be his future.

Then why are two men like Jean-Baptiste and Luciano, not enough?

In love, in friendship, they are. Really, they are.

But I’m looking for flesh and bone. For physical validation. Not of my beauty, not of my charm or wit or humor. But of me. As a man, in flesh and bone.

 

Loving Men-Icon

If you’re going to dream, dream big.

Yesterday, when I finally decided on the trajectory of my future, I also promised myself that anything less than an enormous future just wouldn’t do!

I decided that my apartment in Chicago would be envious. To me. I wanted to envy hancockwhere I lived. I wanted to live in an icon. And in Chicago, there’s no greater icon than the Hancock Tower. I mean, you don’t even need to give anyone, and I mean anyone, the address. All you need to say is the Hancock Tower.

It shares the skyline with it’s older brother, the Sears Tower, and it’s evil step-brother, IMG_0835Trump Tower. All three were born to the same design firm, Skidmore, Owings & Merrill LLP, and for which I worked for eleven years.

Today, I instructed my broker to negotiate my lease for my apartment on the fiftieth floor overlooking Lake Michigan and Navy Pier. I will have unfettered eastern views from my furnished apartment. It’s absolutely breathtaking. Both my living room and bedroom face east so the sun will shine each day on my 1,000 square foot birdhouse.

Only birds and angels will see what I will see.

Heavenly.