I think my mother coined this adage:
However long you think it’ll take, or, however much you think it’ll cost, double it!
Is it age? Competency? Vim and Vigor?
How come we never see Martha Stewart experience the notorious exploding bag of flour, or Ty Pennington experience driving a wood chisel through his hand?
Oh no, both Martha and Ty have everything they need in tidy little bowls at the ready. (Those tidy bowls are tidied by twenty-something “producers” whose job it is to produce tidy bowls. But doesn’t “producer” sound impressive? (We used to call them “gophers” or “grunts.”))
Here’s a litany of tasks I disgracefully muddled through (thank God it was in the basement) in order to complete a “quick and easy do-it-your-self-er” project:
1. Pry speaker box from cabinet;
2. Continue to pry (with pry bar), indifferent to salvaging speaker box wood;
3. Prying now escalates to demolition – just get the damn speaker free of the damn box!
4. Wipe sweat with t-shirt, clean speaker of dirt and dust, ignore collateral damage at corner of room (friendly fire if you please);
5. Scout in-house scrap stock for suitable material for speaker front;
6. Select 3/4″ furniture-grade plywood
7. Measure width between interior faces of ceiling joists; transfer measurement to plywood;
8. Make cut on Makita 10 in. dual bevel compound miter saw (it’s like a day at the spa. . .);
9. Measure circumference of speaker grill; place speaker gill on plywood and trace its circumference;
10. Locate much loathed power jigsaw; locate much loved cordless drill and place 3/8″ fractional brad point bit into chuck;
11. Drill pilot hole (to start cut with loathed power jigsaw);
12. (WORD OF CAUTION: Remove dentures, lose fillings, eye glasses, and any item which might fall out/off during 7.5 magnitude earthquake);
13. Place loathed jigsaw blade in starter hole, aim at the traced line, hit the safety and the trigger;
14. Attempt to steer teeth-chattering, grip-jarring jigsaw along your traced line;
15. STOP! Back the jigsaw out, aim at your trace line, and hit the trigger;
16. PAY ATTENTION! Your cut looks as though you were blind-folded!
17. At long last your cut ends where it started, but the hole is hardly round, resembling the road up to Pike’s Peak;
18. Wipe sweat with t-shirt, locate dovetail saw, “trim” plywood to reshape cut to circular shape;
19. Locate the four-in-one hand rasp and file; use curved rasp end to reshape details of cut; then use curved file end to smooth cut and edge surfaces;
20. Locate sanding block and affix 80-grit sandpaper to begin smoothing and shaping; next affix 140-grit sandpaper and sand all surfaces;
21. Locate mineral spirits and clean wiping rag; pour generous amount of mineral spirits onto rag; wipe all surfaces of wood with mineral spirits soaked rag; let wood dry;
22. Locate speaker and check for fit in cut-out;
23. Locate appropriately sized “L” brackets; choose between wood screws or bolt and t-nut to fasten wood to “L” brackets and “L” brackets to ceiling joists;
24. Chose bolt and t-nut fasteners; root around in bolt drawer like a boar looking for grubs trying to locate correct length and diameter bolt to fit t-nut;
25. Grab (what is now) the warm bottle of Sprecher’s Root Beer, pop off top, and almost drain bottle; emit improper and gauche oral yet non-vocal expression;
26. Frustration beginning to simmer, forced to settle for two differing pairs of bolts for t-nuts; chose smaller wood screws as other fasteners;
27. Place “L” brackets on “ceiling facing” side of wood; mark drill holes; remove “L” brackets;
28. Locate screw and bolt gauge to determine correct drill bit size (different drill bit sizes: larger for bolt and t-nut; smaller for wood screw);
29. Secure workpiece to table and drill holes at marked locations;
30. Locate the four-in-one hand rasp and file; use the flat file end to smooth surface area around drill holes; turn workpiece over and check for tear-out; smooth areas;
31. Locate t-nuts; place in larger holes on face side; locate hammer and pound t-nut into hole until flush with face surface;
32. Place “L” brackets on workpiece and fasten to workpiece with bolts and wood screws;
33. Check watch for time of. . .Jeez, that late all ready?
34. Climb short ladder, place wood at eventual location, drill pilot holes for fasteners in ceiling joists;
35. Locate ratchet screwdriver and wood screw fasteners; drive fasteners through “L” bracket holes and into ceiling joists;
36. VOILA! What a beaut, eh? Ty Pennington’s got nothing to worry about. Next time I think I’ll opt for the Cholecystectomy (gall bladder removal).