Loving Men-Attention

You never know how much you miss something until it’s returned.

My day with Pup was brief. Eight hours at best. But in those 640 minutes, my attention was drawn across a table, to the driver’s seat, towards a melting gelato. Everywhere but on myself.

When we left the museum, Pup put his hand on my thigh and I picked it up and studied holdinghandshis naked arm, the long shimmering hair that flowed like a river in one direction, and when combed opposite, like the hair on his head, sprung stubbornly back like a rip current.

After dinner, the server gave me a box for my leftovers. Pup watched as I slowly shoveled my pulled pork into the container. All at once Pup said, “Here, give me that for God’s sake,” and expeditiously scooped my cooled meal into the styrofoam.

“When I was a kid we had a lot of leftovers,” he said, “but you didn’t know what was in the containers, so I used my fingernail, like this, to write what’s inside,” as he inscribed the styrofoam cover.

As we sat in the parking lot of my hotel, Pup and I were both turned and leaning against our seats, heads tilted against the headrests, easily looking at the other. “What?” Pup asked.

“Nothing,” I replied quietly.

“Why are you staring?” he pointed.

“Because you’re staring,” I said and turned away.

Aware of my correction, Pup put his hand on my thigh and caressed it.

“I was embarrassed that I got caught,” he said.

“It’s called affection, Pup,” I said.

“It’s called attention, Harlan. People don’t give it away as generously as you do,” Pup replied.

 

Loving Men-Pup

His name is Matthew, but I call him Pup.

ridgebackPartly because he reminds me of a Rhodesian Ridgeback, and partly because he’s younger than I.

“What should I write about today, Pup?” I asked while he drove me through the streets of Charlotte.

“I don’t know,” Pup said, “you’re the writer.”

Today, Pup and I met for lunch at an outdoor pizzeria across a busy intersection from the coffee house in which he works part-time as a barista. It was a beautiful day in Charlotte. Not too warm, with a gentle breeze.

We developed a wonderful cadence; an ease of conversation; the give and take of interest. The only quiet spots arose when a question was posed that required a thoughtful answer.

After pizza, we went across the street to the coffee house. Pup ordered me a double espresso. “How’d you know I liked double espresso?” I asked him.

“Because you said it at lunch,” he answered.

“Really? I mean, really, you listened?” I asked surprised.

“Of course I was listening,” he replied quietly, “What did you think I was doing during lunch?”

Following, Pup and I climbed into his car and drove around Charlotte. Pup pointed out gentrified areas, tony areas. I felt such an ease around him. When I would get pensive and stare out the window, Pup would prompt “What’re you thinking about?”

“Oh, I’m just far away, Pup,” I answered.

“From me?” he asked.

Processed with VSCOcam with a5 presetTurning to face him, watching him drive, I placed my hand comfortably on his thigh, “Oh no, Pup, not you. I’m very close to you.”

Loving Men-Transparency

When one is transparent, nothing stands between you and another.

I practice transparency daily. It is an active practice. It isn’t meditation or prayer; it doesn’t involve solitude or retreat; it isn’t reflective.

Transparency is invisible. It is the antithesis of barriers. It’s what does not come between people.

Imagine standing eighteen inches from another person. Simply standing. You are looking right into the other person’s eyes. And there’s absolutely nothing between the two you. No suspicion, no unfinished business, no questions. You’re simply standing there and swallowing the other person.

In the past, I built walls and fences and reasons why I couldn’t be intimate with people. I placed these impediments between us to safeguard myself. And it worked. I distanced people. I protected myself. I was as insulated as a cold water pipe.

And alone.

pupThe other day I met Pup. Pup lives in Charlotte. We exchanged two simple phrases, and then I lobbed my telephone number and asked him to call me.

Five hours later we were talking on the phone. With tremendous ease and humor; with nothing in between us but five short miles. Pup called a mystery man out of curiosity. And like children in sandboxes, we played, entertaining our curiosities with laughter and silences.

“I like how you use the word ‘lover’ to describe your lovers,” Pup said to me last night. “You don’t talk like other people,” he admitted quietly.

“It’s like there’s nothing between us,” he said.

Indeed, Pup. Indeed.

Loving Men-White Lies

There is no such thing as a white lie.

Why do we perpetuate the lie that a white lie is any less devastating than a gray lie or a dishonestyblack lie? And just what is a white lie anyway? Is it a menial lie? An itsy-bitsy lie? Why do we even parse lies? A lie is a lie. Whether it’s as small as an amoeba or as large as an elephant.

I have spent the entire day trying to bring my scattered thoughts together. But it’s been as impossible as herding cats. Or better, my thoughts are scattered around the solar system like space junk.

I often try to write about something that impacted me that day. Sure, I’ve had impacts today, four of them to be exact. Four great telephone conversations with four different men: Two in Charlotte, one in Chicago, and one in Buenos Aires.

I guess the most troubling realization I gleaned from these conversations was how desperately men want truthfulness. All the men I talked with agreed on the same thing: Men lie.

Why?

What do we think we gain by lying? All lying does is perpetuate an illusion. We lie because we don’t want to admit collusion. We’re afraid of reprisal, of denial, of persecution. So we lie.

If everyone spent just one day being truthful, don’t you think that the many, many, many problems our world faces might be actually be solved?

When you speak the truth you will achieve clarity, humility, courage, life, and peace.

What a wonderful world that will be.