Month: April 2012

Mastering Mirroring

~ Harlan Didrickson ~ 2 Comments

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’d spent the better part of twenty-five years manufacturing a character whose aspiration was to stand with notable leaders in architecture, medicine, law, insurance, and private equity.  Standing with in the parlance of my vocation meant eighteen inches on the diagonal of the left shoulder; within ear shot; close at hand; keenly aware and anticipating; a shadow whose purpose was to occupy an easement of personal space notable world leaders create, and which could not be trespassed.  If one stumbled into this area their redirection was immediate; hands attached to dark sleeves brusquely appeared and the interloper was discreetly absorbed by a well-tailored thicket of broad-shouldered Loro Piana suits; I, being the breakwater, homogenized the incident, and if the charge took notice, my steadfast demeanor quickly quelled any concern.  We are everywhere and paradoxically invisible: Certainly the glare of notoriety disquieted onlookers, but we’re there, eighteen inches on the diagonal, hidden by the mastery of the discipline of mirroring which is the greatest degree of self-compromise.

Haven’t Been Hungry Since June, 2008

~ Harlan Didrickson

 

Adam and Eve’s fable is familiar to most of us and has been used as a biblical example of the shame and eviction caused by education; biblical authors thinly veil Adam’s ignorance as innocence and ascribe Eve’s intelligence (expressed as reasoning) as a short walk to damnation by way of mollifying hunger; and her biblical hunger was tempered by a piece of fruit introduced, hyped, and conveniently supplied by a recently recruited initiate of indulgence, the serpent, heretofore apprentice to trade.

But biblical may also mean metaphorical.  Speaking in simile, Eve’s indecision was fueled by desire, the fundamental hunger for intimacy, the idea of impeaching one’s character as barter for reckless surrender, the suppression of caution and judgement, the erosion of denial.

The day following my catastrophic  breakdown I awoke to loss: hunger, that fundamental need for physical intimacy had disappeared.  The recognition of sexuality continued, but that deep bass rhythm which is inaudible yet present was missing, leaving me unbalanced and out-of-tune.

Who manufactured the hunger in Eden?  Even temptation can’t seduce the sated.  Poor Eve, someone injected her with hunger followed by intelligence in order to frame her for the loss of innocence, adopted embarrassment of the naked body and subsequent banishment from paradise.  If the serpent had slithered up to Adam it would be a very different world indeed.

Getting What You Want

~ Harlan Didrickson

I remember  switching immediately to daydreaming after a major disappointment or a failed expectation or the lowest depth of disappointment while staring, unblinking at the antithesis of the oft-hinted-at gift squatting in that precisely weighted and hopefully shaped box about what I would do if I was able to achieve the singular impossible opportunity presently reserved for the dead and unattainable to those breathing, of actually getting a second chance.  Not a singular one-off; not a chance to re-do a regret; not the reliving of that one, absolutely perfect, unquestionably spectacular twenty-four hours with whomever-it-was as bodies twisted, limbs entwined like climbing vines or prostrate, like fallen trees whose crisscrossed collapse balanced their different dimensions, relieving the lighter from the crushing heft of the larger.  But a real, comprehensive, empty second chance at life, at getting what you want, at becoming rather than became.