I’ve been finding you through every single thing I come across.
My skin tingles in the middle of the night because it remembers the way your arms snaked around my waist, limbs entangled in a warm, romantic mess. The weight of your body pressed against mine, snuggled under a blanket of I-love-yous, of course with the constant interruption of my unruly hair tickles your soft cheeks.
The nape of my neck remembers your hot breath and I still laugh instinctively when my ears remember your snores that to me, sounded like a melody unique to you. It fit you.
The edges of my lips that remember yours – cracked and thin pressed lift instinctively when my eyes remember when they first met yours – warm, brown like milk chocolate and oh so comfortable like the blankets on your bed I had never wanted to escape.
Your voice, it brings a pang to my heart. I loved your laugh, I love your laugh – the words that made me fall for you, their vibrations still etched on my heart bleeding as if carved there yesterday:
“I feel like I can put effort into you”
“You’re my life”
“I never want to leave you”
“I love you”
I smile and say I’m okay.
I scoff when I read that you’ve missed me
but deep inside I want to reply that I’ve missed you so much too and wouldn’t hesitate to burn to ashes in your embrace again.
Once upon a time, there was a very small boy that lived in a very big kingdom way at the top of the world. The very small boy was an only child, but he wasn’t lonely. He had a governor that spent every waking hour with the very small boy. As a matter of fact, the very small boy couldn’t remember a time when the governor wasn’t at his side. The very small boy even remembered the first smiling face he saw when he first opened his eyes; it was that of his governor.
One night after dinner, the governor entered the very small boy’s very large bedroom. The very small boy was standing next to the very tall window looking outside at the very large mounds of snow.
“What are you looking at?” the governor asked while walking into the room.
With a deep sigh, the very small boy said, “The same thing I look at every day.”
“Which is what, exactly?” the governor prompted.
And with another deep sigh, the very small boy said, while looking out the very tall window in the very big kingdom at the top of the world, “Exactly nothing.”
And with another deep sigh the very small boy began to imagine other places that were not covered by snow; warm places with sand dunes; tropical places with oceans.
Sometimes you can meet people on the internet. And sometimes those people can impact you in ways you never expected.
I was introduced to Mark on Grindr.
“Might be, depends.”
“On what I find.”
“You found me.”
“No, you found me.”
“Oh, not your type?”
“What type are you?”
“21, 6’4″, 240 pounds.”
“Big boy, aren’t you?”
“I don’t usually date guys over 6’1″.”
“Because I’m 6’1″.”
“Oh. So, no?”
“No. Not necessarily. You’re young in comparison.”
“In comparison to what?”
“To me, We’re a lifetime apart.”
“That’s what I want.”
“Your lifetime. Your wisdom. I can’t wait to get where you are.”
“Don’t wish your life away.”
“I’m not wishing it away. I’m giving it away.”
“You shouldn’t do that.”
“Because my life is my life. Your life is yours. They’re not the same.”
“Of what? Your life? Are you kidding?”
“Don’t make fun of me.”
“I’m sorry. I was afraid of my life when I was 21.”
“Are you kidding? Everyone your age is afraid of life.”
“Not any more. There’s not much more that can hurt me now.”
“Because everything I thought would hurt me has hurt me. Those skeletons and stories and lovers are behind me. I’m an amalgamation of my life.”
“Can’t you just give me some?”
“Listen baby, they won’t fit; they’re the wrong size.”