Loving Men-Kissability (Artem Stories)

What makes someone kissable?

Yearning and longing. And hunger.

When I study the photographs of Artem I see his pouty lower lip which is ripe like a saporous tomato; it’s a springboard of affection. What makes Artem kissable? I make him kissable. Just like we assign beauty to others, we also assign kissability.

When I look in a mirror I don’t see someone kissable. But when I look at Artem, all I see is kissable. I see his sparkling, dreamy eyes; the beard which lays on his cheeks, chin, and throat like carpet; the symetrical nose. But more, I spy desire. But he’s not being desirous. I desire him. I want to consume him. I crave him. I’ve been starving for years and he might be plain or he might be stunning; he might be languid or he might be lively; he might be distracted or he might be focused. But it’s not how he’s being at all. It’s about how I’m feeling and projecting it upon him. And our cravings are no passing lanes on a country highway littered with sharp curves, deep valleys, and higher hills. There’s nothing sexier than men being men and letting men litter each other with devotion.

I think that one of the most valuable lessons lovers can learn is to ignore what we think and focus instead on what we see, trusting in the kissability of the other and our willingness to be devoured hungrily.

Loving Men (Artem Stories)

Artem JacketOver the course of my lifetime I’ve learned a thing or two about loving men.

If you’re a gay man or a woman that’s attracted to men you know precisely how intoxicating they (we) can be. But it wasn’t until the unfortunate end of my relationship did I fully comprehend to what an extensive degree I love loving men.

I love everything about men. Everything. Their kindness and their silliness, their arrogance and their humility, their tenderness and their rough-housing. I love their smiles, their laughter, their belly’s, their shoulders. I love their deep eyes and their crooked mischievous grins. I love their devote sexual, political, and religious views. I love their unwavering commitment to their husbands, their wives, their lovers, their boyfriends, their girlfriends, their children, and their pets. I love their softness. I like their hardness. I love everything about men including being a man. And I love everyone that loves loving men.

Loving men isn’t easy. Ask any gay man or woman. But loving men has rewards beyond the imagination. For me, this goes well beyond the sexuality and delves deep into the sensuality and intimacy. Of course sex with men is hot, but hot lasts only as long as Artem In Bedsomeone is stoking the fire. What happens before the brush fire is struck by the tortuous lightening of longing? And what happens after? I think that sensuality precedes sexuality and intimacy outlasts it. I especially love loving men when their desire has cooled and what remains are the warm, calm embers of strong hands entwined around the others’s like a fleshy creeping ivy. The dampness of eyebrows which now produce the small dots of gooseflesh which erupt on the naked torsos which peek from beneath the coiled sheets. I love the whispers which quietly replace the gnawing and growling of congenital passion.

Last evening I watched the final scenes of “Brokeback Mountain” where Ennis (Heath Ledger) visits Jack’s (Jake Gyllenhaal) boyhood home. Ennis discovers a couple of shirts belonging to Jack tucked in a nook. Those shirts were the shirts that Jack wore when he was with Ennis on Brokeback Mountain. Ennis clutches that pair of shirts and inhales deeply Jack’s scent and you can just feel Ennis’s anguish.

That’s what it’s like loving men.

Париж (для Артема)

Я зателефонував Артему за три дні, перш ніж я збирався полетіти до Парижа. Я сказав йому, що зустрічусь з ним у готелі Peninsula на Єлисейських полях на сніданок і що він повинен піти напередодні в готель напередодні, провести ніч, і я зустріну його там після того, як я приземлився. Не хвилюйся, я казав йому, як я швидко попхаю в машину в аеропорту DeGoulle і пробираюся через місто з закритими очима, тому я не побачу дюйма красивого міста без нього.

Артем жив у Зальцбурзі, тому це був хмель, стрибок і стрибок для нього, щоб дістатися до Парижа. Я думаю, що ми могли б познайомитися в будь-якій точці Європи, але я думав, якщо я знову збираюся закохатися, я збирався це зробити у самому романтичному місті у світі. Я не був упевнений, що саме Артем точно думав, але за згодою зустрітися зі мною в готелі 3 вересня я думав, що будь-які метелики, які він відчуває, я теж відчував. Врешті-решт, хто дійсно би стрибає на міжнародному польоті або європейському потязі, щоб зустріти іншу людину і ризикувати бути скинутий у Париж, або ще гірше покинутий?

Але це не Артем. Артем відрізняється. Артем – це людина його слова. І хоча він чарівно сором’язливий, він має цей сміливий низький центр емоційної тяжкості. Ви бачите, Артем – чесний, надійний, веселий жокестр; Справжній слухач, чиї міцні плечі завжди були доступні для тих, хто потребує доброго вола; Чарівна людина, чия чарівність проникає через образи, які прикрашають обкладинки деяких глянцевих журналів Європи. Але за вишуканою красою його пронизливих блакитних очей – така глибока співчуття, що ви не можете не допомогти, а стрибати з високих вилиць і вислизати головою в блакитні очі, блищиті сонцем; Ці очі стирали моє вагання, і я зачепив головою дурень Артема, стукаючи в двері до своєї душі; Вставати в дощ, що викликає сумніви, смуток і невпевненість; До живота до шведського столу життя і візьміть, що перший збиток, який знає, як і Єва в саду, спокуса найслабніше, перш ніж прийняти цей перший укус.

Тому я вирішив літати в бізнес-класі у випадку, якщо вся ця експедиція потрапить жахливо не так, і мені довелося швидко звільнити улюбленого і улюбленого Парижа. Пізніше цього тижня Артем запитав мене в своєму делікатному українському лайку: “Чому ти приховуєш свою ставку?”

Я повернувся на обличчя до нього того раннього ранку, в нашому прекрасному ліжку, доторкнувшись до щоки, натягнув кінчики пальців через вії, змусивши його миготіти і хихикати, і сказав: “Я боявся. Біль, що я відчував протягом декількох тижнів, був звивистим. Моє бажання для вас ходить глибоко в моєму серці, як товста жилка міді, і я ніколи не був так загіпнотизований у моєму житті “.

My Moral Corruption

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“How you said what you said was simply enchanting,” were the first words he ever said to me.

“I was awake, I was always awake,” were the last words.

And between these two bookends were almost thirty years of an on-again/off-again relationship which redefined the term love affair, and which did very little to boost my self-confidence.  Instead this. . .entanglement. . .often followed a beachpalsdreadfully antagonistic and well-rehearsed sequence of deplorable behavior: Vanish, spot, affirm, invite, tempt, yield, pity, agony, masquerade, endure, discredit, and pluck.   And each incarnation ripped yet another piece of moral character from me until sometime in the early nineties I concluded that we were no more to each other than a dealer and an addict, and he was always, always willing to deal, not out of compassion for me, but to satisfy some dark hunger, a craving, maybe a need.

Like anonymous chunks of an ice shelf, we broke apart and drifted away from each boy-in-bushother.  I finding love and partnership and success in Chicago.  He and his art landed in New York.  It wasn’t his drawings they placed atop acrylic pedestals.  For dollar bills he ignored their probing fingers; for five’s he forgot their foraging.  We never discussed the activities associated with higher denominations but he emphasized they were few and far between (“even for someone that looks like me!”), a thinly veiled plea for adoration of which I ignored and which subsequently produced a stifling silence as though the bridge between us had been washed away by indifference.

He enjoyed a modicum of success with a small band of go-go-boys that played the voyeuristic circuit of Greenwich bars, and infrequently out-of-town gigs took them to South Beach, Atlanta and, of course, Chicago.  But by that time his mother had passed, his baby brother didn’t want to farm, and his father sold all three hundred acres, outbuildings, and the triple-generation farmhouse and moved into town,  So when he was in Chicago it was all business; most of it public, but private parties were viceprisonerhands down the most lucrative (and dangerous).  His last trip to Chicago was a bona fide performance, secretly cast by the Chicago Vice Squad who raided the place and arrested the lot and charged them with indecency (the cheek dividing string of his g-string was 0.25″ too narrow to entirely cover his anus).  I was called and took clothes and cash and bailed him out of jail.  As the sun started to peek above Lake Michigan we were driving north on Lake Shore Drive when he said, “You know, I think it’s time to hang up the g-string.”

“Really?” I asked in disbelief, knowing (from years of personal experience) that posing whether still or sparkling was his only talent.

Staring out the window he replied, “Yup!  Problem is. . .”  Here it comes, I thought.  “Problem is, the cops kept it as evidence!”

Smack Dab In The Middle Of Nowhere: Ah, Perfect!

Last weekend we packed practically half of our possessions (well, it sure felt that way) and went out-of-town for a two-day furlough from life’s daily grind.  We travelled south from Chicago and around the tail end of Lake Michigan to the eastern shore and small, polka-dot-like towns of Southwest Michigan known as Harbor Country.  These bucolic villages sprung to life during the mid-eighteen hundreds as either orchard or timber towns.  After Chicago (due west across Lake Michigan) was destroyed by fire, it was petitioning timber companies from Wisconsin, Indiana, and Michigan to deliver as much timber as fast as they could to rebuild Chicago.  A number of towns from this region answered the call.

(On a side note: Much of what is today Chicago’s Grant Park (to the south of our world-class Millennium Park (completed 4 years late (2004) and (hoo-boy) $325 million over-budget)) is built on debris from the fire.  Local officials opted to dump the relatively small amount of rubble into convenient Lake Michigan).

Southwestern Michigan saw Stevensville and Benton Harbor being settled as orchard towns and still retain prominence for their peaches, blueberries, and wine-grapes; Union Pier and Three Oaks hit their stride as major logging centers for Chicago’s restoration.  However, once the forests were dismembered Union Pier relied on a small but consistent tourist industry for Chicago residents while Three Oaks turned to agriculture (mainly fruit orchards).  Other small whistle-stops took hold along miles of unobstructed beaches and sand dunes as summer retreats.  Union Pier was affectionately known as the Catskills of the Midwest and, like many of its nearby towns enjoyed an annual easterly migration of Chicagoans desperately seeking the serenity of rural retreats less than ninety minutes from the city.

That is until the 1950’s when tourism began to wane as Chicagoans discovered their northerly neighbor, Wisconsin was flecked by inland lakes upon which one could raise simple three-season cottages, retirement retreats, even mansions.  And a mere seven-hour drive from Chicago is Wisconsin’s famous peninsula known as Door County.  Comprised of small towns and hamlets dotting both the eastern shore abutting Lake Michigan and the western shore adjoining Green Bay, it compares easily to Delaware’s Rehoboth Beach, Boston’s Martha’s Vineyard, and New York’s Fire Island.

For thirty years visual artists slowly discovered Southwestern Michigan’s slow pace, abundant properties, and speedy access to Chicago.  Over the years the area has become an established center of professional artists and independently owned road-side galleries offering a variegated degree of original art.  But then, in the mid-eighties, gentrification began its blight on these drowsy little towns as over-stressed and over-worked professionals sought a destination closer to home than Wisconsin’s offerings; a location with an aging and troubled economy; a place where you could buy a house, some land, and a night sky chock-full of stars for a fraction of what you’d pay in Illinois or Wisconsin.  And what made these Harbor Country towns so appealing?  Poor economic conditions: They looked and felt pretty much the way they did in the fifties when they’d been abandoned by Chicagoans the first time.

And so they came, prosperous couples with new families gobbled up properties like Romans marching across Europe.  The lakefront corridor was by far most desirable, especially the west (lake) side where modest stone bungalows with beach rights might fetch as much as seven figures.  The march continued both north toward Benton Harbor and west, leap-frogging the Red Arrow Highway, and slowing its pace at the eastern most fringe of Three Oaks.  By 2000 the narrow lanes, over-built lots, and idyllic, provincial, and simple character of these sleepy hometowns were scuttled by the import of urbanized behaviors and expectations.  Rather than fleeing the unyielding stress of city life for a long-weekend of birdsong, hammock-naps, and tall tales around a blazing fire, these transplants smuggled stress, brash voices, and booming stereos across state lines, and piled their city lives one-on-top-the-other, until their retreat disappeared, and their urban maladies doubled because now, not only were they experiencing the exact situations from which they fled, they were stuck in a tiny, Hicksville town, that oh m’god! couldn’t draw a shot of espresso, much less support a Starbuck’s!

Except for Frank’s.  Our longtime friend found a small, modest home built of cinder block overlooking a field of corn and backed-up against a steep ravine hidden by a dense thicket and impassable brambles.  It had been home to a family of four until the kids left and, luckily for Frank, so did the parents.  The small and unassuming house and garage was overcast by Hemlock and Juniper pines which splayed out in all directions like the bloom of a peacock’s tail.  Frank has an uncanny creative quirk: he can look at a common object and by deconstructing it in his mind, he imagines its parts which he then assembles into a completely new object.  In this bashful home which dutifully sheltered a self-effacing and respectable generation Frank saw a discreet refuge, and a distanced and disconnected property a few inland miles due west of the shore communities whose infrastructure narrowly supports the torrent of weekenders and the subsequent bottlenecks (roads, shops, restaurants).  Frank prudently purchased the property and created a master plan which included landscaping: pruning the pines, planting native fruit trees, installing a 2,500 gallon koi pond and waterfall, indigenous gardens, fire pit, and outdoor sculpture; upgrading the utilities in the house; and the most innovative change: repurposing the two-car garage into a modern three-bedroom guest house complete with a full kitchen, fireplace, vaulted ceilings and scores of windows which flood the rooms with sunlight and the achievement of privacy, serenity, and timelessness; the very qualities desperately sought by other Chicagoans who impulsively bought homes in the favored townships on the popular lanes only to discover that their little resort town had overdeveloped into the Lilliputian version of Chicago.

Sans, oh m’god! A half-caf double-foam skinny extra hot latte with three pumps of caramel!  Which, by-the-way, Frank concocts (simply espresso, sugar cube, and twist of lemon) using an original, aluminum-bodied, Bialetti stove-top espresso maker.

That Frank, he’s simply an innovator and an inspiration to everyone who’s ever really gotten out of the city and into the real Harbor Country, his retreat in the middle of nowhere, which is precisely where we urbanites yearn to be. 

Thanks, Frank.