When you look for It you’ll never find It.

There are many things that I’ve looked for in my life: Success, fame, love, etc. Some of these I’ve achieved but alas, they are all fleeting. They slip through my fingers like sand or oil.

I’ve learned that looking for these things, especially It, is a futile endeavor. These things are assigned or given by others.

Rodrigo and I have It; I know you know what It is. It’s not love alone. It is comfort, security, compassion, trust, courage, and humility. We discovered it naturally, slowly, through an ongoing friendship.

We’ve talked about Having It when we suddenly realized we had It. It was a surprise when we finally realized that our friendship had finally evolved into It.

When I stopped looking for It, It appeared.

So maybe, just maybe, if we stop looking for It, or success or fame, and maybe these things will be given or discovered from another.

Discovering that Rodrigo and I have It gives to me a feeling of comfort. I hope that everyone has the beauty of discovering It with someone.

We don’t always know what we’ll find.

I fled to Paris and then to Charlotte because I didn’t know what else to do. I was manic and unmedicated and reeling from the expedited divorce from my husband of 32 years.

I’ve spent a fair amount of time trying to make sense of what happened, like an investigator picking through scraps of a crime scene.  But since my ex-spouse refuses to speak to me, it’s impossible for me to interrogate him, thus leaving me with a gaping hole where reason is usually found.

When I came to Charlotte, I found a gay community that was practically impossible to infiltrate. There were men that said, emphatically, that they yearned for a lover or relationship, but when presented with one, ran for the brambles! Man after man after man.

And when I did snare one, the relationship only lasted three or four weeks.

But not with Rodrigo.

Rodrigo and I bumped into each other on the internet. Neither of us were looking for anything except friendship, and so friendship is what we pursued. And friendship is what we’ve discovered. And it’s also become the foundation of our relationship.

Yes, we’ve become more than friends, but it’s in our friendship where we find our love.