Category: Start/End Relationships

Loving Men-Mark

~ Harlan Didrickson

Sometimes you can meet people on the internet. And sometimes those people can impact you in ways you never expected.

I was introduced to Mark on Grindr.

“Hey.”mark

“Hey.”

“You looking?”

“Might be, depends.”

“On what?”

“On what I find.”

“You found me.”

“No, you found me.”

“Oh, not your type?”

“What type are you?”

“21, 6’4″, 240 pounds.”

“Big boy, aren’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t usually date guys over 6’1″.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m 6’1″.”

“Oh. So, no?”

“No. Not necessarily. You’re young in comparison.”

“In comparison to what?”

“To me, We’re a lifetime apart.”

“That’s what I want.”

“What’s that?”

“Your lifetime. Your wisdom. I can’t wait to get where you are.”

“Don’t wish your life away.”

“I’m not wishing it away. I’m giving it away.”

“You shouldn’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because my life is my life. Your life is yours. They’re not the same.”

“I’m afraid.”

“Of what? Your life? Are you kidding?”

“Don’t make fun of me.”

“I’m sorry. I was afraid of my life when I was 21.”

“Really?”

“Are you kidding? Everyone your age is afraid of life.”

“Are you?”

“Not any more. There’s not much more that can hurt me now.”

“How come?”

“Because everything I thought would hurt me has hurt me. Those skeletons and stories and lovers are behind me. I’m an amalgamation of my life.”

“Can’t you just give me some?”

“Listen baby, they won’t fit; they’re the wrong size.”

Loving Men-Mail

~ Harlan Didrickson

Why don’t we just forgive everything.

I have been running from the destruction my 32 year relationship. Running so hard that I’m out of breath.

We didn’t break-up, we divorced. And as anyone that’s been divorced knows, it’s not a pleasant experience. Attorneys strip your entire marriage of anything valuable. Like looters they check every closet, every room, every ornament, every gift, every personal treasure, searching for anything that could hold value. They search for this bounty relentlessly, telling their clients that there’ll be more booty that you’ll get. Getting divorced is like being autopsied while still alive.

While my life was being dissected, I was also losing my mind.

I tried to murder my ex-spouse in an emergency room in Chicago. I allegedly verbally threatened a doctor at an office or in the ER or a hospital room. I stopped paying my bills, but spent money like I was J.P. Getty. I fell into arrears.

Part of my settlement was a large parcel of five months of mail. There was one Christmas card from a hospital; months of past due notices; two letters from debt collector’s, one from an attorney; old magazines; Government notices; and a letter from a physician’s group alleging that I verbally assaulted a doctor.

Facing your past under such a beam of light is blinding. Not only did I lose everything I thought I had, now I had to face everything else I ran from. My life’s been pillaged by this divorce: I lost him, home, and character.

All this will fade to memory as I keep my eyes on the present.

It’s all behind me: in the trash.

 

Loving Men-Inspiration

~ Harlan Didrickson

People ask, “Do places inspire you?”

I answer, “No. Everything inspires me.”

cardinalThe snow which fell in Charlotte inspired me. Children of the south celebrating a snow day and running sleds down the lowest of hills inspire me. Cardinals and wrens landing on pine boughs covered with light snow causing a puff beneath their feet.

These are the things which inspire me.

The bright sunshine which irradiates the freshly fallen snow, then warms the trees and bushes and sidewalks and streets thus melting the snow from the inside out, making it disappear like magicians.

These are the things which inspire me.

It’s usually things I don’t see or haven’t heard or failed to taste that inspire me, especially when I’ve gotten around to seeing or hearing or tasting them.

Yesterday’s snow and today’s thaw has inspired me. snowfall

Beauty inspires me. Simple, quiet beauty inspires me.

Loving Men- bLocK

~ Harlan Didrickson ~ 2 Comments

An interesting thing happened a few days ago; something of which caught me completely by surprise; a thing which I never imagined would happen; a thing which brought with it, dread.

rodrigoman2A few nights ago an interesting thing landed in Charlotte; more specifically in my mind. A large writers bLocK dropped squarely between my imagination and inspiration.

I lost my desire to write; I’ve lost my creativity; I’ve lost my need to expose my life to the internet.

But there’s something different about this writer’s bLocK. This writer’s bLocK is causing me to not write about a certain topic.

You see, it’s bLocK-ing my exposing Rodrigo to the internet. Not because he’s asked me to stop writing about him, but because I don’t want to write about him. I don’t want to expose our friendship to anyone; I’m taking this friendship very slowly and very cautiously and very quietly.

I’ve discussed this bLocK with Rodrigo and he understood it completely.

“You don’t have to write about me, Harlan,” he said quietly, then continuing, “But you do have to write. If that means that I’ve become a distraction, then I should leave. Maybe if I menheadonchestleave, you won’t have your writer’s bLocK. That’ll be better for you, won’t it?” he asked.

“Are you kidding, Rodrigo? No,” I exclaimed, “Your leaving will not make things better,” I said. Then continued, “Rodrigo, I can whether this writer’s bLocK; I’ve had them my entire career. And I refuse to accept that your departure would solve anything, except maybe to cause me such longing and heartache that I’ll be inspired to write.

“You and I are still new, Rodrigo; we haven’t had a chance to fight yet; an argument will test the kiss2strength of the rope that binds us together. How about if we give ourselves enough time to have an argument. To see where we go, or where we run to, when things aren’t as rosy as they are now. Let’s give us that time together.”

Writer’s bLocK is a time that writer’s encounter during their career. But one associated with a lover is a wholly new distinction. Not wishing to write about the electrifying feeling of infatuation; the exuberant feeling when the doorbell rings; that first kiss as Rodrigo crosses my threshold; or the vision as he peels his t-shirt from his torso exposing a toned chassis.

Maybe this writer’s bLocK is less an obstacle and more a gag order.

It’ll be lifted once we’re past that first argument. Stay tuned.

 

 

 

Loving Men-Rodgrigo (Kisses)

~ Harlan Didrickson

kisingThe insides of your lips are are as velveteen as rose petals.

Rodrigo and I are now kissing. There are several forms of kissing:

  1. Hello/Good-bye: slightly open mouth; can be single or multiple; dispassionate is common
  2. Good night/Good morning: slightly open mouth; can be single or multiple; depending on the randiness of individuals, passion is possible
  3. All else: A potpourri of passion; tongues which dart like fish at dusk; like the lurekissing2 and the bass: teasing, leading, and caught; nipped and gnawed; throaty growls and surprising moans; sweaty and panting; and my favorite . . .
  4. All of the above.