Loving Men-Heart Break


I’m a fool.

Or perhaps, foolhardy.

lovers2Yesterday and today I tried to distance myself from the two men which have burrowed into my soul. I lashed out in anger and in disbelief. And now I sit in my Parisian hotel room and wonder if I’ll ever enjoy their precious company again.

One, Artem, is still moored in South Africa. The other sits a short distance away. But in arrogance they’re no nearer than the moon. Yet both hold my heart in their hands, and, I fear, have placed it on a tabletop, picked up a ball-peen hammer, and are about to crush it like a walnut.

Why do we proffer our hearts to those who even own ball-peen hammers? Why do I ache when all I’ve ever wanted is closeness? Is love such a tasteless commodity that people drink it’s nectar only to spit it out? Then why even take that first bite?

Artem most likely has been a fantasy. I doubt that I’ll ever hold him in my arms. And the other is certainly physical, very physical, and of whom I’ve held in my arms and tastedlovers and felt every inch of his intoxicating flesh. Why then have they chosen to distance themselves from me? Have I become so needy? Needy isn’t sexy. Not even to me. Confidence is sexier. Confidence brings with it the ability to be alone, untethered, a freed balloon floating high above the city. Young men love balloons. They chase them. But no one loves pigeons. No one loves the pecking of pigeons for indistinguishable morsels of discarded bread.

I’ve never been good at waiting. I’m impatient. I have a certain degree of wanting. Yet, I’d always thought that longing was a handsome trait. But perhaps longing is like a poorly camouflaged trap. Every creature on earth knows how to avoid a trap. Even I.

lovers3So to the two most important men I know, know this: I want you in my life. But I don’t need you. I need to breathe. I need to live. But love? I want love. I want men. And if this all sounds too needy know one thing: I was born into this life to live. I have lived before you and I will live after you. You’re but a wayside I’ve chosen to steer into. And you can join me on my journey if you so desire. But you’re free my darlings. Free to climb out of my car whenever we no longer serve us.

5 thoughts on “Loving Men-Heart Break

  1. So comes the question: is it many men that you desire, or is it love that breathes life into you?

    That choice is only yours to make.

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    1. It is love. But true love is scary and painful. I’m new to intimacy having just ended a 30+ relationship. Sexual intimacy is like a candy store: So many sweets that the best restraint I can muster is a pane of glass between us. Tres Bien.

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      1. True love scares you? Why? Is it that you might crack?
        Just curious.

        It near broke me into pieces the strain of losing someone that I loved so strongly and with a passion I’ve never known since that very week we spent time together.

        I know I’ll never have that kind of love again because there’s only one that took my heart and made me see another avenue of pure bliss, a love I’ve never known from anyone else, but my first: that I wanted to melt with.

        Eric S.

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  2. Being in love is intoxicating…..it feeds our desires, it feeds our needs for touch and acceptance of who we are as we are in this moment. Being IN love is excitement, energy, risky, so wonderful and the best feeling in the world….well, maybe not the best but a close second. But this love isn’t true love.

    When we are denied love or acceptance by the person most important to us, it makes us needy and we desire love all the more. The guards around our heart are loosened, the guards fall away and we become vulnerable. We’re vulnerable to anyone we come in contact with and freely give our love and heart to another expecting they will give us the same love in return.
    Beware of snakes…..they only take, take, take.

    You’re a special person, Harlan….put the guards back around your heart as you search for all you’re seeking. The men you meet aren’t the same as you…..they don’t think like you even if you think they do.
    Snakes are good actors.
    There are lots of snakes in the world waiting for someone like you to step in their path. They see you and know you’re one of the special people.
    Snakes will suck the life out of you if you let them.
    Protect your heart from whom you come in contact.

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    1. That’s a very good analogy, Marsha, but I once had someone so special to me that I practically worshipped him, yet I hardly knew him.
      Put simply, that’s the very first time I ever knew the concept of “love at first sight “. It was so moving, elevating and he filled my heart and soul till it followed over my cup.
      But then he died: and it’s never been the same since.

      I’ll never forget him for as long as I shall live.
      My first true love. My rock that I would’ve married and spent the rest of my life with him.
      And I’m almost done trying. I’ve gotten nowhere.

      But you have and excellent point. Thank you, Marsha.
      All the best

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