First posted in August 2012 Shame And Regret: The Sting of Social Stigma has more of a wallop five years later than four years earlier. We as a race must get something out of persecuting the disenfranchised and marginalized friends, family’s, lovers, idols, and heroes. Maybe we ought to look inside ourselves and find that kernel of fear. Then erase it. And then get back to being compassionate brothers and sisters.
Why are we ashamed by what we do? We do what we choose to do because we stand to gain something. Yes, some people are forced, say at gun point, to compromise; some are coerced through drugs and alcohol; and yes, some actions are purely altruistic (ashamed of philanthropy?). It’s my opinion that consciously withholding or denying or lying about our actions is caused by fear. Not a generic fear, but a two-tier fear. The first tier-fear: judgement by others is beyond your control; but the second tier-fear: consequence sits squarely in your lap, and which, by the way, you’d already equated as a potential cost of your unprecedented action. We all know this simple truth: We have absolutely no control over the actions of others. That said, we can remove the first tier-fear: judgement by others; we now find ourselves staring down the steely barrel of culpability: we encountered a situation, measured consequence against benefit, and toed the line or stepped across it. So shame and regret were considered well before we pandered to our hunger, thirst, or warm body (emphasis on warm).
The best possible precursor to a mental illness diagnosis was, until 1973 its own mental illness: homosexuality. Coming out as a gay man taught me the valuable lesson that there will be people who can’t distinguish between my sexual orientation (which places me in a specific group) and who I am (in general terms) as a fellow human being. Having learned that lesson years ago I was well prepared to face similar discrimination based upon my mental orientation, i.e. mental illness, e.g. bipolar disorder. And yet, what is there to be ashamed and regretful about? Don’t carry the burden of Shame or wear the shackles of Regret; never apologize to anyone irritated by what you have, especially if what you have is a medically recognized disease.
Recently I conducted a thoroughly non-scientific giddy-up poll which asked: What diseases do you think you’d be ashamed to admit having?
Answers? Anal warts, vaginal herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea. . .what? Anal warts? Venereal diseases? According to our non-scientific poll of middle-aged men and women, they said that carrying a sexually transmitted disease is the only other human affliction besides mental illness that they would be ashamed of having and which also carries with it a damning social stigma. STD’s are the result of risky and unsafe sexual activities engaged in by choice. Does mental illness really belong in their company? Really?
Shame and Regret are burdens that those who choose to remain ignorant and judgmental should shoulder.
Not me. Not you. And certainly not the neighbor, best friend, Richard Dreyfuss
parishioner, bowling buddy, Ryan Phillippe, prom date, recipient of the first kiss, Girl Scout, Teddy Roosevelt (yes, really), Girl Scout Leader, Sinéad O’Conner, full back, Metta World Peace ,
offensive line coach, movie star, Burgess Meredith, Opera Star, Ronald Braunstein, famous orchestra conductor, infamous commuter train conductor or any one of the other 25% of our world’s population. How about the other 75% of the world’s population loosen the reins of their prejudice.